For so many reasons - too many to list here right now though. I can write about the wonderful time she is having at Gan Israel Day Camp. They have one hour of davening each day and she is getting much better at reading from the siddur. She is becoming more and more aware of the food blessings and always remembers now to say them, or to remind us when she thinks we may not say them. She has been saying modah ani each morning for a long time now and her children's siddur almost never leaves her dresser so she can read the prayers in the morning she has time for and more often lately read the bedtime prayers too.

And this week she asked if she could start listening to my Pimsleur cd's to learn to speak Hebrew. She spent the whole evening saying "ani m'venah" and "slicha, ani lo m'venah"! I can't wait until she and I can actually have a conversation in Hebrew!

One night last week I went into her room and she was reading Tehillim. A prayer for Israel. I apologized for interrupting and started to leave when she asked me to stay and correct her if she mispronounced any of the Hebrew words. I watched her sound out each letter of each word. It took a long time for her to finish, but she nevered seemed impatient. She didn't rush through. When she was done she asked me to read another with her. I would read the Hebrew and she would read the English. She said "you know Mommy, this is great. There is an index for you to look up Tehillim for so many things. So I looked up all the Tehillim for Israel to be safe". It was one of those moments that becomes a memory that you keep with you always.

I am lucky ...............

I'm about to get in the car to take the baby for a check up and even as I packed his bag, changed his diaper and clothes, and made bottles, my thoughts continously wander to what is happening in the Middle East. It's a beautiful sunny day here. I just took a shower a few hours ago, the fridge is full of food, my daughter is on an overnight camping trip, my older son is downstairs with a few friends, and I'm struggling with how "normal" my life is today compared with people who are living daily with all the horror of terrorism and war. Of course, last month, last year, five years ago, it was the same thing. People starving, people being oppressed, wars, terrorism. It was always a part of our world, and I did read about it, think about it, worry about it.

But it was different before. Even different from the feelings I had when the World Trade Center was hit. And that was in my own backyard. I remember all the feelings from that week, made worse perhaps since I was in Europe, unable to get home, and relying on news reports that day for news of what had happened in my city, my home. It just feels different.

I feel guilty lately for all the wishing I've been doing. Wishing we had more money, wishing we could move, wishing Keith's conversion was just around the corner. And I wish I was a better writer. I'm having trouble communicating all that's in my head right now. Maybe soon the words will come to me.

Keith has been on IM almost daily with a friend in Tzfat (Safed, Israel). He's helping out with his friend's website and a conversation went something like this:

R: I really like the new web pages.

K: Good, how is it in Tzfat, we just heard there has been some bombing there.

R: Yes, much more than the news is reporting.

K: Maybe you should go to a bomb shelter.

R: I am thinking about it, but we may stay here in our home. We can hear the bombs flying by. We hear them explode and the sirens.

K: I really think you should go to a shelter, don't you?

R: Nah, how about you work on the next part of the project, I really like what you've done so far, and don't worry about us, this is our home and Hashem will keep us safe.

This is surreal to me. They can hear and see the bombs around them. The cars with the windows blown out. The buildings that have been hit. So many people have fled their homes. The businesses that are closed. And R can still make Keith laugh and talk with him about the work on the website. He seems to have no fear. I can't say that I would be as calm if I was there in Tzfat with his family right now.

One thing that I've noticed recently is that I do get comfort from saying Tehillim. It means something to me now. Another small gift to me as a result of my husband's desire to convert.

I've spent some time this week reading the blogs of people in Israel, Lebanon, Iraq and other Middle Eastern countries. Many of the Israeli blogs are authored by people who've made aliyah (become citizens of Israel under the law of return) and I enjoy reading about the challenges they face moving from the US or Canada to Israel. Some of the other blogs fascinate me because they are like a window into cultures and societies that I haven't had any contact with other than reading articles in newspapers or watching the news on tv.

When you read about other people's lives and get perspectives from individuals with backgrounds, experiences and beliefs completely different than your own it can't help but make you stop and examine your own life and beliefs. I was reminded once again this morning how lucky I am to be in the US, with my family close by, an amazing husband, and healthy children. I was reading the blog of someone living in Iraq. One focus of this particular blog entry was how many hours a day this person's town has electricity available, or rather doesn't have electricity. It talked about the electric generator not being reliable, the heat, no air conditioning, lights, etc.

In my house the only time we don't have light in a room is when someone forgets to change a light bulb. Once in a while the air conditioning is even running with a window or two open because we weren't diligent about checking for open windows before turning on the air. It was good to be reminded that we are fortunate to live here. That it is important to appreciate the "little" things. I have lights, electricity, air conditioning, and a host of other conveniences that I barely think about or feel grateful for. Though, If I didn't have electricity it wouldn't be a "little" thing to me obviously.

I continued to read this blog and find a paragraph about civilians being taken off the street a few weeks ago, their heads being covered before being forced into cars and being taken away. I think to myself that I cannot even imagine living in a place where this happens. It would be unthinkable for me to go to the supermarket and experience this. I don't know what to think actually. So much in this world needs to be fixed. So much of my day is not spent thinking about the bad things happening everywhere. The feeling to do something is there, but not knowing what to do is weighing me down. I know I can simply choose to not read about these things and go about my day. But I don't want to.

I want to do something. But what? I follow the news about what is happening in Israel now and it makes me numb. Not numb, I don't even know how to describe the feeling. I make sure I say the prayer in my siddur for Israel now. I say "hello" and "shalom" to the baby now. Maybe he'll learn to say Shalom first. It's a much better word than hello. - Peace - I like it - it has a nice ring to it.

It's rainy, dreary and a bit cold, but I didnt' mind loading the baby into the car for our 25 min trip to the Chabad Center for my hour with the Rabbi's wife. I have to say she is probably the busiest person I know. I really feel fortunate that I can spend time with her each week and I love learning with her and discussing our progress whether it's helping me understand something in the siddur or which local market has kosher meat.

Right before meeting with me she had driven an elderly neighbor to and from a dentist appointment and right after meeting with me she was meeting her sister to help her to pick out lights for her home and I am pretty sure the rest of her day is booked up doing things for other people.

Today we went over this week's parsha and I read portions of it in Hebrew for her and then we discussed the translations of the text. Most of the hour was spent on the Parsha, but we also found time to go over my short list of questions this week and by the time I left I felt it was an hour very well spent. She encouraged me to read the book of Tehillim I recently got and we looked a one or two blessings in my siddur.

She's also offered to tutor Allie in Hebrew reading and writing this summer which is a great relief to me as Allie still has a way to go in improving her reading and writing skills. Well ..... now I am off to mommy chores ........... until tomorrow ....

Okay, I know Keith and the kids are live people too, but they don't speak or understand Hebrew so they don't count yet.

Today J & I went to ema & Me and the day was beautiful - sunny - a little breeze - and not too hot at all. We played outside and although J won't wear shoes which means he stood like a statue the first 10 mins since he didnt' like the feel of the grass under his feet - he finally warmed up to it and played and laughed and had a great time while we were there. I was sitting talking to one of the mom's watching a little girl pull J in a wagon and I hear behind me "atah rotzeh loechol achshav?" I almost jumped out of my chair I was so excited! I actually understood this question - and the two questions that followed behind that one. Some of the mom's are from other countries and speak French or other languages (which I love also since my French is better than my Hebrew), but I didn't realize that one of the other mom's moved here from Israel 4 years ago.

I was too shy to say anything for about 30 mins, but then I finally told her that I was teaching myself Hebrew and I understood some of the conversation she was having with her twins. She was so nice and offered to help me when I see her on Tuesdays so I have a real live person to help me with my pronunciation and questions about grammar.

Poor Keith --- I am now walking around the house saying "how much does this cost", "do you have nine shekels" and "I want to drink wine with you tomorrow evening" over and over - but the plus side is his vocabulary is increasing whether he likes it or not! He can actually say and understand "where is Rabin Square" now!

Wow - these Spring weeks are simply flying by! I did have another session with the Rabbi's wife and we went over the food blessings in detail. We talked a little about tznius and I did find time to order another lightweight skirt for summer as I get more used to not wearing my usual uniform of leggings and short-sleeve tops.

The Bris

We attended a bris last week at the Chabad Center that I throroughly enjoyed, being my first Orthodox bris. The baby was born to one of the mom's in my Ema & Me group and the baby was so beautiful! As far as the ceremony, there were a few differences that I noticed from other bris (is that grammatically correct, is there a plural form of bris??) - such as having a chair for Elijah - and there was singing and dancing (at 8:30am right in the synagogue!). We couldn't stay long since we had to get my daughter to school, but we at least were able to spend a few mins after the ceremony greeting the parents and grandparents. In honor of the baby's birth we sent pizza and soda to some Israeli soldiers and to a refugee family from Gush Katif. Here's the link for anyone interested in doing the same: http://pizzaidf.org/

The Weekend

I studied Hebrew with Keith this weekend. I am not a great teacher but I have noticed his reading has improved. I know I am lucky having had all those years of Hebrew school when I was younger. Another reason to say "thank you" to my parents! It's much harder for Keith trying to learn to read having me as his teacher!

I had blech issues this weekend! I think our blech just gets too hot - the cabbage got somewhat dried out, and the kugel sort of shrunk up and they were even on top of another upside down tin - I can see this is going to take a few more months of practice to get it right.

I am happy to report I am on lesson 11 of my Pimsleur modern Hebrew cd's and I can say some simple sentences such as "I don't know, where is Rabin Square?, the dog is next to the table, I want some wine and do you want to eat lunch with me now?" Not exactly stimulating conversation, but my dog and I have quality time together in the kitchen as I cook and listen to my Hebrew cd's at full blast. The baby seems to like the cd's too - hopefully he won't develop a funny accent from listening to Hebrew language while I try to teach him to say doggie.

We watched Ushpizin (link to info on this movie is on my other blog at words.squarespace.com) and although I had put off watching it, I truly enjoyed it. Watching the characters say the blessings over the food,eat in the Sukkah, and even simply observing the wife saying the blessing "al netilat yadaaim" after she washed her hands was very enjoyable for us. The plot was light, entertaining and I enjoyed the movie much more than I thought I would! For the first minute or so we were disappointed that the movie was in Hebrew with English sub-titles, but now I want to rent more movies that are in Hebrew. It's amazing how many times they said the very words I just learned last month. They must have said "beseder" and "toda raba" over two dozen times which made me laugh because I've been walking around the house saying "ok", "thank you", "I don't know", "I don't understand", and a few more phrases from my cd's that I was able to pick out from the movie. Keith also recognized some words and his only exposure to my cd's is when he's trapped in the car with me and I bring one of my lessons with me (although I do walk around the house repeating the phrases a lot too, but I think he's not really listening then .............

I am happy to say we had good momentum in April and May! Even with Keith's hectic work/travel schedule and the kid's schedules we've been devoting several hours per week to study and discussion. The Sabbath is spent relaxing, but also a good majority of our time is spent going over prayers, reading books on Judaism, both fiction and non-fiction, and practicing Hebrew.

Some of the learning programs, tapes and cd's are mentioned below:

* A software program called At Home with Hebrew. It allows to me practice pronunciation, learn a few melodies for Sabbath and weekday prayers, and increase my vocabulary. This is a nice program that has distinct sections you can choose when you are ready to devote some time for study. It's nice because you can hear the proper pronunciation, improve reading skills, and improve vocabulary. It even has separate sections for learning modern Hebrew, synagogue words, and biblical Hebrew (common words found in the Siddur). I found this program on the internet.
* I also have a set of audio cassettes with a workbook called Everyday Hebrew. Just as the name implies this set helps with learning modern, conversational Hebrew, and the basics such as telling time and learning numbers. You can also practice your Hebrew writing with this set, but I haven't devoted a large amount of time to re-learning how to write Hebrew.
* I have another small workbook meant mostly for people that are planning to travel to Israel. It teaches basics such as colors, numbers, common speech you'd need to find a bus, hotel, and how to order from a menu. This workbook came with stickers with the names of rooms and various objects in your house, etc that was fun to do with my daughter.
* My current favorite is a set of Pimsleur's audio cd's. There is no workbook whatsoever. You are offered the Hebrew and the English translation and through repetition begin to pick up basic Hebrew conversation.
* I do have the Rosetta stone software cd, but this one I don't enjoy as much as my other cd's, cassettes and books. The program I have shows you pictures and then you have to guess the correct translation. Sometimes it's hard to tell from the picture what exactly they are describing and there is no place to look up the English translation to see if you've gotten it right.
* We also have a set of two books and an audio cassette that includes all the Sabbath blessings and prayers that we listen to during the week which is a nice supplement to the other books and tapes we have.
* We've also purchased 3 new Siddur's over the course of the last 6 months from Artscroll.

1. One is a weekday siddur with interlinear English translation underneath the Hebrew text.
2. The second is a Ohel Sarah Women's Siddur with English/Hebrew, but is not interlinear like the weekday Siddur mentioned above. I love this siddur and use it during the week. It has commentary and clear instructions on what to do during the prayers and a chart on when to say them.
3. And the third Siddur is our transliterated linear Siddur for Sabbath and Festivals. In the beginning it was helpful for Keith to have the transliteration while he was learning the Hebrew alphabet and vowels, but now that he can read a bit he no longer needs to rely on the transliteration and it actually slows him down when he's reading.

We also purchased a Children's Siddur that has beautiful illustrations and my daughter and I go over it very frequently and she uses it to say her prayers in the morning.

Learning modern Hebrew has improved my reading speed and has developed my understanding of the prayers in the Siddur. Of course, it isn't really necessary to learn to speak modern Hebrew for Keith to convert, but I enjoy it and it helps me in other areas so I do spend a few hours a week working on it.

Keith has been meeting with a Yeshiva student each Thursday evening for an hour plus of learning on different topics. Heschke is very flexible with the subject matter and Keith usually let's him know a week in advance what he'd like to discuss at the next session. I will also begin meeting with the Rabbi's wife weekly for my own learning sessions starting this week, and we always can call Rabbi G or his wife anytime, and we do, with questions that come up.

We have the number of the Yeshiva that we need to call for both Keith and I each to take a class and in the next month or so I will call the Rabbi that comes to your house to tell you how to kasher your kitchen.

I did spend over an hour with the Rabbi's wife last Tuesday going over my siddur and I've been reading some booklets on saying the blessings over food so we've made improvements with that.

So overall, we've made good progress and still have our nice momentum going. We look forward to the Sabbath each week, we've learned the food blessings and are much better at knowing when to say them, we say our prayers in the morning, our Hebrew reading and comprehension is improving at a steady pace, we both have several books lined up to read on different subjects ranging from fiction to non-fiction, but all relating to Orthodox judaism, we regularly visit or participate in the online sites that are specifically hosted for BT's or converts, all my recipes have been converted to kosher recipes and I'm getting accustomed to separating the dairy from the meat dishes, food, sponges and other items in my kitchen.

So for two people without a "plan" we've still managed to move at a steady pace and start integrating some of the changes, big and small into our lives. Not bad!

I've been thinking about my earlier post and had some thoughts on the realization that the way we were going about becoming more observant was not the best approach for our family. Although, ultimately we are going to take a different approach, I think that having a plan and specific goals and/or working with a structured system is also a good way to move forward towards conversion. And perhaps the only way for some people.

At this juncture in our lives it simply isn't the best approach for my family. Perhaps if I didn't have children and my schedule wasn't so hectic. Perhaps if my husband didn't travel so often or work such long hours. Who knows? But I do think that although we've chosen to take a different tact, that structured programs that help and guide people along their personal conversion process are very important and a good resource for many people.

With either approach that an individual or couple chooses, having resources, a support system, and guidance is key. We, fortunately, have all three. In some areas, it may be difficult to find people to have Shabbos with, Rabbi's to work with, communities within a commutable distance to visit and spend time in, or people who take the time to answer questions and share their experiences with you.

We've been working with our local Chabad center and have found it to be a tremendous resource, although I believe they mostly work with people simply looking to bring more Judaism into their lives, not necessarily couples like ourselves that are looking to convert and/or adopt Orthodox practices. We've also met some couples during the past year, not associated with Chabad, that have invited us to share Shabbos with them and who have been a great resource and support group.

I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and to the summer. More learning, fun things to do with the kids, and warm days! Next post I think I'll finally be able to give an update on how far we've come.

Well, it's apparent I need to try to stick to short updates, instead of long comprehensive updates since my days have become so hectic I truly can't find the time to sit and write! So I will attempt to write, although I am sure I will need to jump up every two mins for something!

Last weekend we spent Shabbos with a couple in central NJ and we did learn quite a few things, so although the baby suffered from his usual insomnia being in a strange house, the visit was very good for Keith and I.

This weekend we are spending Shabbos with my parents and I should be in the kitchen now cooking, but since the baby is napping I thought I'd update a bit. These long days truly take the pressure off having everything done by 4:00pm! I'm not bringing my usual Shabbos menu, but thought I'd try this:

* Challah - one raisin and one sesame & poppy (I'm making a large batch this time)
* Babaghanoush
* Hummus
* Curried Chicken Salad
* Gefilte Fish
* Lentil soup with basil
* Paella
* Cucumber Salad with grape tomatos
* Fruit Salad for dessert

and I made chicken soup for my mom and pureed yams since she still cannot eat solids yet! The gefilte fish is cooling, the lentil soup is on the stove, the cucumber and fruit salads aren't done yet, and the challah dough is still rising, but I've made a big dent in the menu so far.

We attended a Lag b'Omer barbecue at Chabad on Tuesday evening (I met with the Rebbetzin on Tuesday morning after Ema & Me, but more on that later) and it was nice to see a friend of mine there who is on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy, but she snuck in for a little bit to visit. And I finally got to meet Laibel and Heschke. Keith works with Heschke each Thursday evening and always comes home with so much information and very animated about their discussions. Laibel is from the same Yeshiva that Heschke attends so I've heard Keith mention his name quite a bit also. Last night after his session with Hescke, Keith was able to meet with Rabbi G to discuss his conversion.

Being the list maker that I am, I have been wanting the Rabbi to provide us with a "plan". This is how the Conservative Rabbi approached Keith's conversion. We had a syllabus - therefore we had a plan. Specific goals to reach and topics to cover within a certain timeframe. This was good for us of course, for many reasons. Firstly, it fit my personality, and to a certain extent, Keith's also. I like plans, outlines, etc. Another plus was that we knew almost exactly what month Keith could convert, so we had a tangible goal. It was alos good to from an economic standpoint since we knew approximately how much it would cost for Keith to convert so we could budget. And we always knew what we had to "study" before the next session.

On the other hand there were flaws in this system for us. I was pregnant during our sessions and was on bedrest so I could not attend all the sessions. Keith also travels fairly frequently. This put us terribly behind the syllabus. We needed to attend the sessions on a regular basis so we could go over each holiday with the Rabbi before and after it occurred. Missing sessions truly messed up the "plan". If we were to attempt a similar course now, we'd still have the same problem. We have three children, Keith travels, and when he's home he works very long hours (with the exception of Shabbos, of course). We'd probably miss many sessions now simply because between children and work our time is already so stretched.

Ultimately, a Conservative conversion was not for us and that was the reason that we discontinued working with this Rabbi and moved on to our goal of an Orthodox conversion. But looking back - those sessions felt more like studying to get a pilot's license or a certificate in flower arranging than us working towards bringing more Judaism into our lives.

I have to say, this puzzles me because as I mentioned - I am a list maker. In my career I thrived on plans, lists, goals, timelines. At home I have a list for everything. My pda, my "to do" program in my computer, the assortment notebooks, corkboards, calendars, etc in our home are all a testament to the fact that I like lists (although given my scatterbrained nature I still forget most of what I need to remember and continuously misplace things).

So what's going on here? Well, getting back to the beginning. I've wanted a "plan" from our Orthodox Rabbi so we would know exactly how to set goals, create timelines, when to attend classes, etc so ultimately we'd know when Keith will convert and what we needed to do to get there. I suppose a sort of "Convert to Judaism" checklist. And when Keith met with the Rabbi (I couldn't attend as I had to take care of the kids last night) I was expecting him to ask for this and to come home with our "plan".

Well, Keith didn't come home with a plan. No list of goals, no timeline, and no estimated conversion date. But he did come home reflective, peaceful, and thoughtful. We discussed his conversation with the Rabbi. In part, the Rabbi told us to stop being so anxious, so meticulous, so intent on getting to the next "thing", and to relax. As much as I have been wanting to push for a conversion date and an organized, methodical way to get to Keith's conversion I realized, much to my surprise, that this Rabbi's approach made sense to me, and to us as a family. He also said we'd know when we're ready for the next step, referring to whether it's taking a class on a certain topic, completely kashering the kitchen, or routinely saying the morning prayers.

Now, this approach initially was completely foreign to me. This is not how I have tackled things in the past. But, changing our lifestyle to the degree that observing Orthodox Judaism will require is also not quite the same as buying a new car, redecorating the baby's room, or taking a course.

When I sat back and reflected myself on all we've accomplished, I realized the Rabbi's words made sense. We have learned so much already. And slowly, we're bringing more and more Judaism into our lives. Eventually, we will know what we need to know and all these things will come to us and become part of our daily life. One day, we will go before the Beis Din, our kitchen will be fully kosher and we'll know all the prayers we've been studying for months. So, although I am not yet ready to throw out my lists, I do feel more relaxed about taking our time and going at a pace that suits where we are in our lives right now. Some months we'll do more and some months we'll do less. We'll keep moving forward, but just in a different way than we started. And that's a good thing.

Wow - six weeks. That's how long it's been since I've had a chance to update my blog. Well.... that's not totally true. Several times I've started and stopped for various reasons. The baby needs me, one of the other kids is calling me. The phone, the door, the mail, errands, family emergencies, a sudden trip out of town, and I suppose for a while I was just a little bit overwhelmed at all we have to do and couldn't focus enough to update.

Just like those other times, I must stop short here and come back later. But I plan to update our progress this evening. And I feel good about the progress we've made in the last month so I'll spend the next few hours making my mental list of things to add and wait until the house is quiet so I can start.

I can't believe it's been so hard to post lately. Partly because of the challenges we've needed to face lately, and partly because of not having time. My husband's grandfather had a heart attack and we needed to take a 10 hour drive with the younger two kids last week to stay with his family. My mother is having a somewhat serious surgery next week (during Passover) and I just found out my husband has to travel three thousand miles away next week (he does this every 4 to 6 weeks anyway, but the timing is not so great right now and I still miss him so when he is gone) and will be very hard to reach as usual. Several distressing events have happened recently that I won't go into here, but suffice it to say the last two weeks have been somewhat painful and quite hard to get through at times. The saying "when it rains, it pours" keeps coming to mind ............. It truly seemed at times that every hour or so, day after day, brought more troubles, tears and frustrations.

I am blessed to have an amazing husband. Even though what has happened lately was just as hard, if not harder for him, he has been a rock during all of this and has done everything possible to help make these past two weeks of challenges more bearable.

So I am trying to move past and move on and focus on Passover. My favorite time of the year since a child and I am so looking forward to it! The house is done, the chametz is about to be burned outside and I am happy to be spending the seders with family and friends.

I hope everyone has a Happy Passover cherishes the time they have with their friends and family.

I've barely had time all week to check my email even.

We had a good Sabbath, although right up until we turned off the phones clients were calling dh and of course as soon as he checked his email Saturday evening the phone started ringing and his partner was calling wanting to know when he'd be able to get some work done. I have found myself starting to get this disappointed feeling as it gets closer to the time to do Havdalah. I know that as soon as it's over dh will most likely have to start working (he telecommutes) or get on the phone, etc. so even though I get to have a whole day with him - I still get this disappointed feeling knowing he sometimes has to go right from havdalah to working on the computer. Something I need to work on.

I was worried about my grandmother since she had her surgery on Saturday (and she did just fine), but otherwise it was quiet and restful. Leading up to Friday was somewhat hectic though. I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital on Thursday which took up most of my day, then errands with the kids Thursday evening, and Keith's lesson with the yeshiva student that night, so I didn't get a chance to shop or cook even one thing on Thursday. On Friday I finally made it to the supermarket but didn't get home until around noon so I only had 5 hours to make the challah, Sabbath dinner and food for Saturday. This is what I ended up making:

* Two round Challahs
* Babaghanoush
* Matzoh Ball soup (with lots of carrots and celery for the baby)
* Roasted sweet potatos
* Steamed asparagus
* Kishke
* Chicken Schnitzel

and for Saturday I made a Cholent. My first attempt so I wasn't sure if it would even be edible. I found a recipe that called for 6 chicken legs, some rice, 4 cups of water and seasonings (paprika, pepper, cumin) so I added other ingredients such as fresh cilantro, leeks and potatos, adjusted the seasonings and was surprised at how well it turned out. My daughter and the baby loved it!

Keith made a lot of progress with his Hebrew studies. He is almost completely through the alphabet so he enjoys trying to read the labels now when we go to the supermarket in Monsey. His weekly lessons with his study buddy from the yeshiva are going very well. Last week they focussed on Purim, this week they focussed on the morning prayers.

I have found some websites for skirts that are longer than what I have been wearing in the past so when we visit the Rabbi's or spend Sabbath in an Orthodox home it will be easier to find something to wear. I haven't ordered any yet, but I think I will this week.

I also found a nice washing cup that matches my Havdalah set so that will be the next addition I get. We've all learned the prayer for washing hands so it will be fun to have a proper washing cup, and I think this week I'll finish learning the prayers for the foods.

So we're still making progress, and reading, reading reading!

I've almost finished Miriam's Kitchen and did finish Outside, Inside (a book on tzniut). I've sort of started Seven Blessings by Ruchama King and I have read a few chapters of another book a friend has lent to me so it's been a busy week!

I suppose I should start focussing on Passover and cleaning out the house. It seems a little daunting, but my daughter is very excited about searching the house with a candle, something we've never done before so I better start making my checklists this week so I don't miss too much. Need to make breakfast now for my daughter ..........

"Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used."

I don't know 10 people yet so I'm afraid, at least for now just my answers will have to do. I think I'll just make a cup of tea and list the first 10 things that come to mind which may not sound very original or creative but these really are the things I truly love.


1. holding my husband's hand
2. brushing my daughter's hair
3. seeing my oldest son smile
4. watching the baby sleep
5. making and drinking one of my "exotic" teas in my good teapot
6. making Challah
7. picnics
8. climbing into bed after a long day when the house is quiet
9. sitting under the awning in the back when it's raining
10. taking a really long hot bath

Just as my husband said - I'd find something to wear, we'd find a babysitter, and we'd enjoy ourselves. No "I told you so's", but I detected he smirked a little when I thanked him for convincing me to attend the wedding. I did have about an hour of panic at Macy's finding something to fit my post-pregnancy body (okay, the baby just passed his first birthday, but I can use that excuse a tiny bit longer, can't I?), and finding shoes was harder than I thought, but I managed to find a blouse, camisole, beautiful shawl, skirt, pantyhose, shoes and bag all in under 2 hrs. I'll be able to wear or use everything again so it's fine that I went out and got some new things (although I secretly hope I wake up tomorrow 20 pounds lighter so nothing fits and I can donate my new clothes somewhere!)

So I felt like I was dressed fine for the wedding and we were on time, and I have to admit that even though it was a little strange being at a wedding where I didn't know anyone, I enjoyed it. The joyous atmosphere was so infectious that any nervousness I had about attending disappeared fairly quickly. And I thoroughly enjoyed the ceremony. I am so looking forward to getting remarried in a religious ceremony that I couldn't help but pay total attention to every detail. The gowns the attendants and the bride wore were so beautiful, the flowers, the aisle with the rose petals, just everything was very pretty. The prayers, the candles, the singing, I have to say I enjoyed every minute of it.

There were several things I had never seen before as this was the first time I had ever attended an Orthodox wedding. I'd never seen the groom put the veil down over the bride's face, or have seen the bride circle her husband 7 times, or sat seperate from the men, heard the 7 prayers, or have seen a groom put on a kittel. I read a portion of the prayers they gave to the women to say during the ceremony, and was surprised to see the bride looking down praying as she walked down the aisle. I have seen the glass broken as this is done at Conservative weddings, but the customs that I had never seen before I found to be so beautiful and meaningful.

In the morning we also met with another Rabbi in Monsey who recommended some additional books for us to read, reassured us we were on the right track with our studies and made us feel very comfortable.

All in all it was a good day - a wedding is a wonderful way to start the week!




Here is a picture of the room where the ceremony took place. This picture doesn't do it justice though! Everything was so white and the flowers were so vibrant.

Sabbath has ended and I am just about to put the baby to bed when my husband says "I need to tell you something". The 5 mins it takes to put the baby to bed is enough to drive me crazy, but I wait, impatiently I admit, until he says "ok, this is a good thing, we're going to a wedding tomorrow in Monsey".

A wedding! A wedding where not only do I not know the bride or groom, or anyone else, but an Orthodox wedding. I have to say I am in a minor state of panic. Beside the fact that I am nervous meeting new people, attending a wedding where I will be separated from my husband makes me even more nervous. And, I have nothing to wear! Not that I am 100 per cent sure what I should wear, but I certainly have nothing appropriate for an Orthodox wedding! The few things I do have are too short, or have sleeves that do not come to my elbows, or I probably don't fit into since I had the baby last year and haven't lost the weight yet!

I am excited about seeing the ceremony, since we will be remarried after my husband converts, but I am still nervous about going tomorrow. And shoes! I am sure that all my nice shoes are too pointy or have heels that are too high or spikey. I haven't even worn nice shoes since the baby was born since I stopped working. I think I'll go make some tea and try to stop being so silly!

I figured I should take a picture of my Challah so next year I can see how I have improved! Next week I'll take a picture of the long braided Challahs A and I usually make for the Sabbath. The lace tablecloth was my great-grandmother's and the Challah board and cover were wedding gifts. I need to remember to thank my aunt and uncle again for such a perfect gift!

My talk went well with the Rebbetzin. She feels the first thing I need to tackle is making our kitchen kosher, and I agree. She is calling a Rabbi that comes to your house and tells you what you need to do to make your kitchen kosher so I expect that he will call me next week. So I feel better that I have something concrete to work on. It will be so much better to actually make this next step. I've worked hard at preparing kosher meals, and teaching the kids what they can and can't eat, but to finally have my pots and pans and kitchen kashered will make me feel a lot better.

She also offered to meet with me weekly to discuss different things and I am looking forward to learning more. Keith spoke to his "study buddy" from the yeshiva, and although this evenings session was cancelled because of the weather, they will meet next week.

So we're making progress! It's a good feeling!

That is sort of silly. All this reading and reading and reading and I can't recall ever learning or reading about Rosh Chodesh! So I am off to search my books and scour the internet to find out about Rosh Chodesh and see what I should know and what I should be doing, if anything this evening. A fun task for a quiet day since Keith has caught my flu and the baby (thank goodness!) just went down for his nap.

I have the flu and the baby has been sick so maybe it's making me feel a little melancholy. Keith is out with A - visiting Monsey, going to the pizza place, the bookstore there and the big Kosher supermarket - I wish I could have gone with them! So while the baby is being an angel and playing with his toys, and my oldest is raiding the refridgerator for the 5th time this afternoon, what is this nagging worrying feeling hanging over me on such a nice quiet Sunday afternoon?

I suppose I should be making my list of questions to ask the Rabbi's wife for when we talk on Wednesday. But I don't even know where to begin. I guess it feels a little overwhelming - there are so many questions I have and so many different things we need to change and start doing. I love lists. There is nothing I love more than making a nice long list of things I need to do and then cross things off as I do them. Between my pda, my spiral notebook, the wipe-off board on the fridge, and my special To Do list my husband made me on my computer I have more lists going at any one time than anyone I know. But I haven't been able to start this list of questions I have.

I guess because I don't know where to start. And until we even move to a Jewish community, what we should start changing? I've been so excited about making all these changes, and I still am very excited of course, but today I feel like I should be doing something. Something new that I haven't been doing. Maybe if I go back to the prayerbooks and try to learn a new prayer that will help get me focussed. At least it's something constructive to do instead of worrying about my big list of things to discuss with the Rabbi's wife!

I added the link to the Beyond Teshuva site on my "Links" page. I've been visiting it more and more and have found it interesting to read the comments and articles submitted by Rabbis and other contributors to the site. If you have the time, this is a good site to visit.

I read some of the articles last night and visited some of the blogs that I enjoy reading by some Orthodox women I found searching for blogs to read, but I must say I am frustrated! I don't know many of the words they are using so I know I am missing some of the meaning of these articles and posts.

For instance, I came across these words last night in only one article:

* tische
* shalshuddises
* mechitza
* nusach
* ruach
* carlbach minyan

So I think I got some sense ofthe meaning of one or two of those words from the context of the paragraph they appeared in. But then I started reading the comments that other readers left and found even more words that I don't know:

* Kumzitz
* simcha
* niggun
* hisbodedus
* LeChatchilah
* Kiruv
* Chas V’Shalom
* Kol Isha
* Mishna Berurahs
* makil
* eitzos
* poskim

I'm embarrassed to say I do not even know if these are Yiddish words. And if they are, is there such thing as a Yiddish-English dictionary? Hmmm, I think I'll spend this evening learning the rest of the Shema. Then at least I can end the day feeling like I accomplished something very good, and not be reminded of how much I need to learn!